Healthy Disagreement

How Leaders (Should) Handle Differences

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula for handling difficult conversations. DifferentDisagreement cultures, personalities, relationships, and histories all call for high emotional intelligence in determining how to address conflict. But here are some tools that most leaders would benefit from pulling out of their toolboxes more often.

Influential Listening

We think we influence people with our words. That’s partially true. But our words fall on deaf ears unless we’ve tilled the soil before sowing our seeds of wisdom.

One of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Successful People is to “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” The sequence matters. People who have been listened to are more likely to listen in return. Part of human nature is the “Rule of Reciprocity” that says that when someone does something for us, we have a bias to reciprocate.

When someone believes you’re honestly interested in what they think, they feel valued and respected. That respect makes them want to protect your relationship and find common ground.

When we rush into our magnificent defense of our position, the other person is too busy building their case to listen to yours. Give them the floor first. And don’t just wait for them to finish, actually listen. When you disagree with them, try the phrase, “tell me more”, rather than challenging them. Don’t rush them. Give them as much time as possible to fully express themselves. Only then are they ready to listen.

Be Curious

Genuine curiosity makes listening easier. Most of the time people have rational reasons for the positions they take. That doesn’t mean they’re right, but they’re rational. If you had their life experiences, there’s a good chance you would understand their view. Rather than assume they’re just ignorant, seek to understand not only what they think, but why they think it. How did they arrive at their current mindset? You’re likely to uncover some insights that will help you improve your own understanding as well recognize how to soften their opposition.

Don’t Take the Bait

Regardless of how stoic or expressive a person is with their emotions, the human brain is capable of being hijacked by them. The best intellectual arguments will fail if you fail to manage the emotions – theirs and yours!

Whether it’s the inflammatory words the other person is using or the inflammatory words your own brain is trying to convince you to use, don’t take the bait! Don’t escalate the defensiveness by slinging verbal bullets or letting their bullets land with you. Overlook the offense and stay focused on the core issue. Don’t get distracted by feeling compelled to vindicate yourself of every accusation. Let it go by unnoticed instead of letting it drive a deeper wedge.

Give a Little to Gain a Lot

Have enough confidence to look for and acknowledge any truths in what they say. If you’re afraid that if you give an inch they’ll take a mile, you’ll lose more than just a mile. The Rule of Reciprocity says that they’re more likely to acknowledge your truths if you acknowledge theirs first. Be the leader and lead the way!

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